I have been meaning to meet him... well at least we were chatting about it, and today we finally met. I went a long way just to meet him in a place where no one openly talks about. Nobody knows I still communicate with him... because the last time someone did know about him and me, it ended up in a big mess. And this I don't want happening again, especially not this time where things are a lot more complicated than before...
Who is he? Let's call him JEROME. Well Jerome is someone from my not so distant past. We were officemates and we have the same circle of friends from work. Nope, we weren't officially together, together... i guess you can call it a fling. Back then we were both in a relationship... he has his GF since college and I have my BF from work. At that time my relationship with my now exBF was already on the rocks, on my side at least. My ex and I have been together for two years and I already fell out of love way before I had a thing with Jerome. I guess I just didn't want to break things up with my ex because I was afraid he might not take it well. I was trying to break it to him gently by being cold and uncaring... yeah, I know, I'm the worst person there is... but can you blame me? I don't want someone committing suicide because of the breakup!! But I was wrong, he's stronger than he may seem... and I was glad he was able to handle the breakup well enough...
Ok, back to Jerome... As I said we were friends, and he can be a sweet and charming guy if he wants to... he's also cool and can be fun to be with. I guess unknowingly I've become attracted to him, but since we were both in a relationship, whatever it was I was feeling for him I have to ignore. One gimmick night "it" happened. No, we didn't do the deed yet, but that night for some cosmic happening, we kissed. I knew then that he's also attracted to me!! Look, I'm not pretty enough so having realized this was a big deal. I know it was wrong, but kissing him that night felt so right! Until one thing lead to another... and we finally did the deed. And I was already deeply inlove with him. But that was it. It was just me who's inlove. He's only attracted to me and wouldn't leave his gf for me. Not that I asked him too. I wasn't expecting anything from him, but it still hurt knowing.
Fast forwarding to present, I got over him and had my share of flings. He had other gf's too, but now he's settled and got married. But he still kept in touch with me via chat. Let me be clear, I don't initiate the talk, he does. He keeps on reminiscing about our "past", and I just ride along with him. Until he asked me to meet him and catch up. I've been avoiding this meeting because I know one thing can lead to another... and I know our attraction to each other is still there. For some reason when we're together, we just combust!! And today, combust we did...
But somehow it's different this time. I'm not inlove with him anymore. There are no strong emotions involved, except the physical attraction. Yes, I do like Jerome... but it ends there. It's easier to let things go this time... I know we committed a sin because he's already married. And it may come back to me at some point... what goes around comes around. I do believe in karma. But why don't I feel bad about it? Is it because I don't personally know his wife? Am I such a bad person not to care that I contributed to hurting his wife, even if she doesn't know it? What kind of person have I become? How can I be so numb about this?
I don't like the kind of person I'm becoming... Lord, please help me...
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