where is my soulmate?

Often times I wonder when I'll meet THE ONE... the one with whom I can spend my life and grow old with... the one who will be there for the good and the bad times... the one I'd love and would love me back for the rest of our lives...  *sigh*  

I'm not really complaining with how things are in my life right now.  I may be alone, but I'm not necessarily lonely.  Although, I do admit I'm sometimes jealous when I see a happy couple holding each other's hands or holding the hands of their kids.  Yes, I even wonder how my own wedding will be, and most specially to whom will it be.   I guess, I just have continue waiting... I still believe he's still out there waiting for me too :)  All in God's time...

These thoughts makes me relate to this song of Natasha Bedingfield entitled SOULMATE... I think at some point we are all looking for that right person... he/she may not be perfect, but they are perfect for us.

Incompatible, it don't matter though

'Cause someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do, you're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Lovable is already in my life?

Right infront of me or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end

How do I find the perfect fit?

There's enough for everyone

But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory

They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Oh, Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

what have I done?

I have been meaning to meet him... well at least we were chatting about it, and today we finally met.  I went a long way just to meet him in a place where no one openly talks about.  Nobody knows I still communicate with him... because the last time someone did know about him and me, it ended up in a big mess.  And this I don't want happening again, especially not this time where things are a lot more complicated than before...


Who is he?  Let's call him JEROME.  Well Jerome is someone from my not so distant past.  We were officemates and we have the same circle of friends from work.  Nope, we weren't officially together, together... i guess you can call it a fling.  Back then we were both in a relationship... he has his GF since college and I have my BF from work.  At that time my relationship with my now exBF was already on the rocks, on my side at least.  My ex and I have been together for two years and I already fell out of love way before I had a thing with Jerome.  I guess I just didn't want to break things up with my ex because I was afraid he might not take it well.  I was trying to break it to him gently by being cold and uncaring... yeah, I know, I'm the worst person there is... but can you blame me?  I don't want someone committing suicide because of the breakup!! But I was wrong, he's stronger than he may seem... and I was glad he was able to handle the breakup well enough...


Ok, back to Jerome... As I said we were friends, and he can be a sweet and charming guy if he wants to... he's also cool and can be fun to be with.  I guess unknowingly I've become attracted to him, but since we were both in a relationship, whatever it was I was feeling for him I have to ignore.  One gimmick night "it" happened.  No, we didn't do the deed yet, but that night for some cosmic happening, we kissed.  I knew then that he's also attracted to me!! Look, I'm not pretty enough so having realized this was a big deal.  I know it was wrong, but kissing him that night felt so right! Until one thing lead to another... and we finally did the deed.  And I was already deeply inlove with him. But that was it.  It was just me who's inlove.  He's only attracted to me and wouldn't leave his gf for me.  Not that I asked him too.  I wasn't expecting anything from him, but it still hurt knowing.


Fast forwarding to present, I got over him and had my share of flings.  He had other gf's too, but now he's settled and got married.  But he still kept in touch with me via chat.  Let me be clear, I don't initiate the talk, he does. He keeps on reminiscing about our "past", and I just ride along with him.  Until he asked me to meet him and catch up.  I've been avoiding this meeting because I know one thing can lead to another... and I know our attraction to each other is still there.  For some reason when we're together, we just combust!! And today, combust we did... 


But somehow it's different this time.  I'm not inlove with him anymore.  There are no strong emotions involved, except the physical attraction.  Yes, I do like Jerome... but it ends there.  It's easier to let things go this time...  I know we committed a sin because he's already married.  And it may come back to me at some point... what goes around comes around.  I do believe in karma.  But why don't I feel bad about it?  Is it because I don't personally know his wife?  Am I such a bad person not to care that I contributed to hurting his wife, even if she doesn't know it?  What kind of person have I become? How can I be so numb about this?


I don't like the kind of person I'm becoming... Lord, please help me...

A Clean Slate

People who'll read this blog won't know who I am (hopefully! Hahaha!!)... and somehow there is pleasure in anonymity... you can express your thoughts freely without the fear of people judging you or the need to explain to them the why's... thus me creating this account... and yes, a new beginning for me when it comes to blogging... a clean slate...

I don't consider myself a good writer, because I don't think I'm creative enough, and I don't really have a wide range of vocabulary. 
I also cannot organize my thoughts well enough for my "piece" to be interesting for readers.  Anyways, that's not what this blog is for... I just wanted something to write on when interesting things happen to me, or I have something on my mind that's bothering me... I guess I just find peace when I write things down... especially when I write down my crazies!!

So, if for some reason you get to pass by my site, welcome and I hope you won't leave bothered, LOL!!! :)

Now that I have set this site up, I hope I can keep it up too... my schedule can be quite crazy, especially with my lack of time management skills...  LOL!